The Relationship Between Focus and Trust
By Barbara Jo Hinsz, MSW

This article is reprinted from Pet Bird Report Issue #31 and may not be reprinted without the written permission of Sally Blanchard or the PBIC, Inc. Illustration by Jeff Riebe. Contact us for permission.

"I believe parrots form the strongest bonds with people who have a steady and calm demeanor." "…they (parrots) also are more comfortable with some one who provides clear behavioral messages." Sally Blanchard, PBR Issue #26

Rejection

Max, our yellow collar macaw, rejected my partner, Howard. Max didn’t bite, he just froze up and complained if Howard handled him. He wouldn’t fluff his head for skritches from Howard. He generally made it known that he would tolerate Howard and no more. He was deeply hurt and tried to get Max to "come around again." We practiced Sally’s "warm potato" with Max. Howard would take him to a "neutral room" away from sight of his cage or me and talk with him and scratch his head the best he could. In rare moments, Max would fluff a little.

Meanwhile, with me, Max would laugh and sing. He loved rough-housing and wrestling, wild rides on the belt of my bathrobe or me tossing him and swinging him around with my hands. He’d perch contentedly on my knee while I read a book. Or we’d take naps together. My point is that Max wasn’t an anxious little bird afraid of everyone, he just didn’t want to interact with Howard.

Howard decided that he was going to be the one to give Max his favorite food treats. Toast is a great favorite. One day I watched Howard give Max a treat. "Max, do you want some toast?" Max bobbed and said "OK." As Howard approached Max he held out the toast to him. While Max was reaching for the treat, I saw something that gave me pause. Howard turned away to say something to our dog, Sarah. While Max took the treat from his hand, Howard was already engaged with the dog. Though well intended, Howard has developed the skill of doing several things at the same time. He is well suited for the fast lane. Something clicked for me — Safety and Trust. When we are not fully attending to what we are doing, we may miss important bits of information, relational cues. Misunderstandings, even accidents result.

In this case, Max reached out and took the toast and stepped back to tear up his treat. No one was hurt, but no trust was deepened either. It could even be seen as a wasted moment. Yes, the task of giving the parrot the treat was completed, but the best part was missed. The exchange between individual parrot and individual man was passed over. It could have gone something like this. Question: "Max, do you want some toast?". Max becoming alert, moving to better advantage, leaning forward and wing-quivering. Max shouts: "OK!" Approach: treat in hand, talking in response to Max’s expressions, my body nuances reflecting his movements. Anticipation: the moment, the treat, a stretch and then tongue touches toast, eyes flash, my eyes get big in reflected timing, then he stretches tall, head pulled back, chest out, eyes still flashing and we say "Ummmmm." I swear he grins, I know I do. He takes the toast then, or he bobs a few more times with eyes flashing and say, Want some. Ummm" before taking the toast. Not Bad. Pretty good stuff. Makes me happy just thinking about it.

Scatter Focused

Max has bitten me when I’ve had friends over. I’ve been told by other bird people that he was jealous, or felt threatened by other people being around. Or, even more complicated; that he is biting me to get me to flee the danger he perceives. Maybe. But as I reflect back, something else was going on each of the times I’ve been bitten. I wasn’t paying attention. Not that I was fully focused some place else. I was scatter focused and flighty. I think that is a bigger threat than having other people around. I wasn’t fully present, and that is more dangerous. If I handle my bird in an absent minded way, I may inadvertently hurt him or put him in danger. I may make him anxious. And I may get bit.

We’ve all seen the comedy skits where someone gets distracted while carrying a long board or ladder on their shoulder, and end up swinging it around and knocking their partner in the head. Basic slapstick comedy based on basic truth. When people lose track of what they are doing or what is going on around them, then someone is likely to get hurt.

I think that we sense instinctively that we have to be wary when others are distracted or can’t attend to what is going on. People who grew up in families where parents were unable to really notice and respond to inter relational nuances, often end up chronically hyper attentive and anxious or even phobic. I often see this in people who grew up in alcoholic families. Alcohol interferes with a person’s ability to take in new information, organize it, and respond creatively.

When someone’s life is dependent on whether their caretaker can respond effectively to their physical and emotional needs, then it is pretty scary, terrifying even, when they can’t. When that is a chronic state, as in alcoholic families, then people grow up anxious and insecure. It seems to me that our companion animals are in the same boat. If they can’t sense that we are responsive to them, then they will also be anxious and distrusting. (I use the well known example of the alcoholic family, but other conditions can interfere with the development of trust and self confidence, such as having mentally ill parents, parents distracted in despair or depression or ongoing loss or chaos, parents who are chronically overworked and fatigued, or "perfect" parents who rigidly do everything by the book, but who never learn to relate. All have in common the lack of being able to notice and be responsive to new, changing and sometimes subtle interpersonal interactions. Interactions lack relevance, relationship, intimacy.)

Full Involvement

I’m not talking about terrible abuses and neglect. I’m talking about the difference between doing the right thing, and doing that same kind of thing, but being fully involved and relational/empathetic. The difference between doing something to and doing something with. If I declare that the above description is "the right way to give a parrot toast," then I turn a good interaction into a rule or technique. I then would approach the bird (any bird) the same way no matter what was going on. I would be saying my lines like an actor, but out of the context of here and now. I wouldn’t be taking in new/current relational information and including that in my choice of how to interact. My bird would soon become confused and mistrustful, while I was cheerfully nodding and grinning. I might be saying, "I’m being so nice, and toast is your favorite treat," while the bird retreated as far away from me as he could. And rightly so, I would be behaving unpredictably, and therefore dangerously because he would have no way of understanding my behavior in relationship to himself.

I’ve heard Sally B. speak about slowing down her energy, and that the birds respond positively. Certainly, when I was scatter focused, my energy was more racing. Some people believe that they wouldn’t be able to get things done if they didn’t rev up their energy, kind of pressurize themselves from the inside. Also, some folks who have an underlying depression counter that depression by racing, keeping busy and never letting down for fear of not being able to get up again …an agitated depression. But for many people, being able to notice the racing, can be the start of slowing down. In the noticing and recognizing of how we are, we’ve taken the first step in being focused. Then we can ask ourselves how do we want to be living at this moment? For most people, becoming aware that there is another way of being, quieting down internally, calming themselves, is a pleasant alternative. They usually find that as they move through the world with more internal quiet, they get as much done if not more. They can think more clearly, better discern what is most important to them, and are less reactive and more proactive. Not bad.

Meanwhile back to the Howard and Max saga. Max had long since recovered from some physical problems (but that’s another article — Effects Of A Bad Wing Trim, PBR Issue #30) and Howard continued to woo him ... favorite treats, flattery, baths. When I was away for a conference and later in the hospital recovering from surgery, Howard took full advantage, and it appeared that Max softened some towards him which meant that he was a little more tolerant, but still indifferent.

Totally In Love With Howard

Then, last spring, we went on vacation, with the purpose giving Howard an opportunity to slow down and for us to take an assessment of our lives. About the third morning, as Howard was getting ready to go out fishing, I noticed that Max was leaning nearly off his perch in Howard’s direction. "Howard, I think Max wants you." The concept was so unfamiliar that Howard didn’t understand what I was saying and I had to repeat my self several times. Howard went over to Max to check this out and Max leaned towards him, flashed his eyes, begged, and did his favorite trick. Howard stood there sort of in shock. I asked Max, "Do you want to go to Howard?" Max shouted "OK!" Well, that was the beginning of three days of Max being totally in-love with Howard. Howard was used to a very different relationship with Max, so I had to translate for Max at first. He’d ask "What’s Max doing?" I’d say "He wants you to scratch his head." Howard was thrilled and a quick study. Max’s life was much enriched since Howard’s mind works differently from mine and the two of them made up lots of new games, that I would never have thought of. When Howard would leave, I’d have to show Max each of the rooms, before he’d believe that Howard was gone, and settle down with me. Howard was clearly Number One, the beloved. I admit I felt left out as they carried on and on, but Howard had waited a long time and he reveled in it.

After three days Max began to include me more, and in the months that have followed we’ve got a new and better balance. He loves to greet Howard when he comes home from work. He is definitely not indifferent. Sometimes he prefers Howard, sometimes me and the flow is easy.

I don’t think that it is a coincidence that, Max warmed up to Howard, when we were vacationing and Howard was attending to slowing down. Howard couldn’t have gotten more positive or dramatic evidence for the effects on others of his internal calming.

Max continues to teach us. I haven’t been bitten again when we have company, because, I pay attention to stay focused when I handle Max. I find that I like myself better and enjoy our guests more as well. Not Bad.

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